A friend.
I was spewing a paranoid rant about how I worry it won’t work out with my ex and I. This reminded me that I’m a worthy decision for her, and why this situation is after all. I find solace in it.
are…
fears…
The other day we had the longest (IM) conversation we’ve had in over a month. I was giddy, nervous, and piss-frightened I’d say the wrong thing. Each time we talk is so rare, it’s like visiting someone in prison. Every word counts.
Conversing with you gets my heart going and I do believe you’re the love of my life, but I walked away (signed off) feeling sort of … sad. Not so much about the state of “us” - I’m pretty null to the pain of our situation at this point - but about you.
The old you never labeled herself as “insane” or “weak”. She wasn’t self-deprecating. She rarely made excuses. She was never “trapped in silence.” If something didn’t sit right with her, she couldn’t bear to keep her mouth shut. The woman I loved was so strong (I’ll admit, stronger than me). I looked up to her because she was opinionated but diplomatic. She was always honest, no matter how badly it hurt. She was the epitome of the straight shooter, not of the one who lies to themselves or others. My girlfriend couldn’t stand injustice. She spoke up for those who were afraid to. You could look at her and practically see the Truth was like the sun to her Superman. It drove her. It gave her strength. It’s why everyone admired her. It’s why she could, without fail, drive hotheaded me into the ground with just a few words in the sincerest cadence. Though she was challenging and miles ahead of me when we were together, she taught me millions. Though I wasn’t ready to reciprocate what she deserved, I loved her with all my heart.
You are now seven months with someone whom you know it will end and you are so scared to tell him the truth you’re admittedly torturing yourself.
I’m worried about you, love. I don’t know who you’ve become or how long it will take you to do away with this mess you so badly want to wash from your “shitty little hands” but I’m sad that the old you isn’t there the same way she used to be.
I’m not looking to fall in love with someone else. I don’t want a clean slate. But regardless of what you say you want to do, you remain put, and that is way I am remaining open to the possibility of others.
I know you’re in there.
and I’m feeling very good about us. I just hope you find the strength to push beyond acknowledging your weakness and do what is right for you.
-Friend
In lieu of the ex and mine’s recent interaction, I’ve been confiding in friends for advice. Most of them are concerned I’m wasting my time. I’m convinced she’s still scared - I pushed her away. Why wouldn’t she cling to the other rock in her life, temporary or not?
