December 2008
1 post
October 2008
2 posts
The best surprise
Dinner wasn’t easy. As our mutual friend said, “you guys had to get that out of the way.” We were sniffing each other out; making sure we were still the same person under all that growth (heh). But it’s true. You took some warming up to and I saw the concern wash over you. You think I’m a flip-flopper, but I was just unsure… unsure if it was real, of how to...
Olive
This is the story of a cat named Olive. When Olive was very young, she was abandoned by the kitty who loved her most. We’re not quite sure why this happened, but one thing is for certain – sometimes, life isn’t always certain. Being abandoned so young gave Olive little choice other than to brave a tough exterior. When anyone would get too close, she would hiss and swipe and scratch and bite if...
September 2008
8 posts
Holy.
We’re having dinner next week. This is (technically) the moment I’ve been waiting for.
My best and wisest friend reminds me to remain objective. Despite the fact that I love and miss you dearly, the following remains true:
You mentally cheated on you boyfriend with me
You knowingly used your boyfriend to get over me
You strung me along, inadvertently or not - you did
You...
Nothing changes
I was doing so well for weeks. All ducks were in a row. New job. New apartment. New girl (not girl friend just yet). I thought for sure I was moving on; that even though we haven’t seen each other since April I’d more or less put this situation to bed. I wanted to hear from you so badly and I still do but I can’t put my life on pause. Seven months ago I made a grandiose gesture...
Ugh
Update…
I met someone who made me forget about you for a few days, maybe more..
There’s a slight chance I may see you out tonight.
That makes me nervous.
I do miss you.
I’m not ready.
“He wanted to rush outdoors and make some dramatic atonement - smash his fist...”
– Excerpt from “Revolutionary Road,” Richard Yates
You know what?
Fuck tall men. Fuck em. Fuck em in their lanky dirtstars.
“Being loved is great, but loving someone back (and so deeply) is better.”
– A (very wise) reader
Whoa...
something monumental happened yesterday, a step in the right direction. I’m elated because of how healthy your taking this step is. I’m elated not for selfish reasons but because I love you so much and all I want is for you to be healthy. You’re getting there, darlin.
It’s one step, but not the last. This may or may not be the beginning of the end. I just hope that...
“Don’t forget your self worth.”
– A friend.
I was spewing a paranoid rant about how I worry it won’t work out with my ex and I. This reminded me that I’m a worthy decision for her, and why this situation is after all. I find solace in it.
August 2008
23 posts
“Happiness, only real when shared.”
– [written into book] Christopher McCandless (Into the Wild) (via thresca) (via recklesspath)
Anxious thoughts
are…
Regardless of how welcome these loving things you’re telling me are, you’re saying them behind your boyfriend’s back, and it’s making me more uneasy by the day.
You said “he’s not my husband, and I have to address that soon. Which is scary, and daunting.” That’s life and it sucks but I’m left going… “When?”
...
“Uh, this girl sounds like she’s got a lot of work to do on herself.”
– An acquaintance, in response to nutshelling my situation with the ex.
Lost in transition
The other day we had the longest (IM) conversation we’ve had in over a month. I was giddy, nervous, and piss-frightened I’d say the wrong thing. Each time we talk is so rare, it’s like visiting someone in prison. Every word counts.
Conversing with you gets my heart going and I do believe you’re the love of my life, but I walked away (signed off) feeling sort of …...
We spoke yesterday
and I’m feeling very good about us. I just hope you find the strength to push beyond acknowledging your weakness and do what is right for you.
what I learned this week...
mascarah:
John Mayer is right - 20% of your mates want out
scary thought
“…you have to not even hope that you have to try and totally realize that...”
– Friend’s advice
“Have a great day and I am so proud of you, your new job, and your serious love...”
– Email from friend
“She obviously cares more about you than this guy she’s with. It’s a...”
– -Friend
In lieu of the ex and mine’s recent interaction, I’ve been confiding in friends for advice. Most of them are concerned I’m wasting my time. I’m convinced she’s still scared - I pushed her away. Why wouldn’t she cling to the other rock in her life,...
Elation
I was so elated after our text exchange tonight I was giddy for two hours after.
Later, by fluke, the cabbie turned on the street of your old apartment. What a sign. We stopped at a light parallel to the front entrance and I reached my arm out the window and whispered, “I love you, baby. I love you. I love you.” And we drove on.
What’s on your mind?
Spontanous and welcomed text chat between us...
You: Thought I saw you today and nearly had a heart attack. You're everywhere!
Me: Haha aw well if I run into you can u keep your cool?? (id probably faint myself)
You: Obviously not as I almost fell over today. My palms got all sweaty and I thought "no! not in this dumb t-shirt!" haha
Me: Haha i know is it bad i spend an extra minute on my hair just in case? :]
You: Not bad at all. *sigh* we're ridiculous.
Me: I know.. ah you only live so long.. so inappropriate or not, i think about you every minute of every day and .. You know the rest.. k? :)
You: oh (my name) I just know i'll know when i'm allowed to look at you and echo that in person. Until then i'm trapped in silence.
Me: It's okay, babe. I promise i'll be here when you're ready, love.
You: LOVE.
Me: LOOOOVE aah so many letters to read you.. Hehe
You: I wish I could say the same they're all trapped in my brain, i've never been lost for words or means before.
Me: It's okay sweetheart. Im not going anywhere.
You: :-) LOVE.
Me: PS with this new job im gonna buy us a country house and fix it up like the Notebook! cept im gonna be reading from 'building for dummies' :D
You: And i'll be reading "cooking and long dresses" for dummies! That sounds...magical.....
Me: !!!!!!!!
Me: I can't wait to hear you laugh every day...
You: And you will be the cause of it. Maybe that's why I feel chubby cuz i'm not laughing.....
Me: Aww you are gorgeous and skinny and sexy! And i'll fix that!
You: You better!
You: :-D !!
Me: U know it :D :D :D Oxoxooxoxoxoxxxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxox
--
Does someone want to analyze this for me?
A female friend of mine says I shouldn't indulge my ex because she'll remain complacent with her boyfriend and make me her second choice. It's "a game girls play, trust me," my friend says. But I'm my ex's second choice by default. I'm the reason why we're in this mess anyhow. Does that make a difference?
"Pros for Hope"
I just came across this list of reasons why I think we’ll work out (and why I’m better than your new boyfriend - hah). I called it “Pros for Hope” and I made it a few months ago when you were feeling “stuck”, trying to figure out whether to come back to me or give him a shot. It looks like in my desperation I scribbled down the first things that came to mind....
“So count it on your fingers… if we got it wrong it’s because the...”
– Fionn Regan, “Abacaus
Blog's gotta go
Dear love,
I’ve decided I will no longer check your blog. The intense rush of butterflies I get in my stomach waiting for the page to load is a little too much to handle. And you know me, always thinking the worst… “maybe she posted a picture of her with the new boyfriend?”, etc.
Yes. Putting it in writing makes this very official. No more blog.
Love,
me
Long dresses
Recently, a photographer friend of mine, older guy, was showing me some photos of his; images from his great life - his wife, his house, old junker pick-up, etc.
He scrolled through these pictures and paused on one he’d taken of his dog drinking from a stream in the woods. His wife was in the background wrangling the other pup and looking gorgeous for sixty or however old.
“Is that...
I had sex the other night
Good sex. With a good girl. Aaand I couldn’t help but compare her to you.
This is the third time that happened.
Why?
Because I had the best sex of my life with you.
Why?
Because I was in love with you.
When you’re in love with someone you want to give them the best… you want to give them all you got. Feel fortunate, darlin. Not everyone knows what it feels like to really...
“For you I bleed myself dry.”
“Kick me in the eye. Punch me in the stomach. Steal my shoes. Call me names. Just...”
– Friend
annamarie:
i miss reading letters
“I just decided that things will probably never go anywhere with him and...”
– a friend with a crush
My feelings for you are waning tonight
I don’t want it to happen but, as Hannibal Lector said in “Red Dragon”, it’s like slipping into a warm bath. Maybe this is the world lowering my guard for me to embrace something else. Someone else…?
“Fuel your actions with love and you’d be amazed at what can happen.”
– Patrick Moberg
buzzed
don’t check her blog.
don’t check her blog.
don’t check her blog.
July 2008
19 posts
“When you have something good, hold onto it. I’m serious.”
– A friend, back in January when I was paining over whether or not to end things with my ex. Some reading this might be like, “well why didn’t you listen, asshole?” Well, I was listening. I took the advice to heart. But my heart wasn’t ready. Now he is.
E-mail from a reader
“I just stumbled across your blog… I’ve never really emailed someone I don’t know at all, but so much of what you’re writing resonates with me. I don’t have much advice to give, because I’m in pretty much the same boat. my ex-boyfriend wanted to get married, but I just wasn’t ready. (I mean, what 25-yr-old guy actually wants to commit & the...
Dream #938
Somehow we end up at the same party. You’re wearing something stunning. And he’s there. Your boyfriend. We spot each other. It’s all very brief.
We jump to a friend’s place. It’s small. I’m standing for some reason. Now I’m not sure if you know im there or not. I think you do. But you’re falling asleep in the other room. Your new boyfriend watches...
A Hard Way To Fall - Ryan Adams
See the rain on the street The way the cars shine And the scotch that she drinks With her lips so fine And her shoulders go weak As she closes her eyes Oh, my God, when she was mine See how she moves through the door How she loses her keys How she loses her cool Watching blackbirds scatter through the trees How she flips from the back to the front Reading magazines Oh, my God, I miss those things...
“What do you do when you know who THE ONE is and that they know it too… but...”
– synapses firing on this drunken saturday night.
fuck, i miss you darlin.
I'm a guy...
…and I’ve heard that for a girl, there’s nothing sexier than having a guy who knows exactly what he wants. Is that true?
I know I want my ex. I know she’s the one. She knows this but is scared to give me another try because I pushed her away when I wasn’t ready. Now I’m 1000% sure she’s the one. The ony way I can prove it to her without being creepy is to...
Sex
Finding someone you’re sexually compatible with is just as hard as finding a soulmate.
I had a hot date Saturday and couldn’t help but think of my ex the whole time. “She wouldn’t do it this way; she doesn’t do it like this; I like the way she did this better…”
How long is this gonna last?
Is sex its best when its with someone you love?
The road to wellville
You know you live in the future when Facebook becomes your barometer for emotional stability.
It was recently my ex’s birthday, and I had a feeling a (now third) round of photos featuring her, her new boyfriend, and a bevy of mutual friends was bound to show up on my front page “feed” (wow). Sure enough, it did. But I didn’t lose it. Yeah, I get this intense heat in my...
hmm
It’s really something how the pain comes in waves
annamarie:
Elliott Smith - Angel in the Snow
I carry her heart with me
If she and I get back together, I have this fantasy…
I take her to the “Love” sculpture in New York and bring her so close to me, her facing those big, beautiful letters… and as a symbol of the fresh start to a better us, I vow my commitment and deep love by reciting softly in her ear:
I Carry Your Heart With Me
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) i am...
“Getting over them when you’re single makes you so much stronger…....”
– Friend
what i learned this week.
mascarah:
This week has been a full fledged emotional roller coaster for me….here are my brief findings:
Managing expectations isn’t just key to business, it is key to life.
Having a good cry CAN make you feel good.
People can really disappoint you and then go 180 and totally surprise you within less than 24 hours, the ups and downs are part of the ride.
It is always better to say what you...
“You can’t love her this much and have her not love you all the same. I...”
– -An ex-girlfriend and dear friend. She was my first love and few know me better.
Regardless of whether its true or not, I needed to hear this so badly.
I'm so sad today for some reason...
friend: hi love! how are you
me: im sad today
friend: why love??
me: because i miss (her). i pushed away the best thing that ever happened to me.
friend: aww love...
me: she deserves so much better and is probably getting it. she has a guy who is nuts about her. she'll never let that go.
friend: you never know
me: and im nuts about her but I scared her so badly. It's so hard to move on. (She) was fucking perfect for me. Its so hard not to call her and cry and beg. I won't.
friend: come on. you didn't ruin her. she's a big girl and can make decisions. she knows how you feel. and i know she'll come back.
Ugh, today I hope you're right. This sadness comes in such intense waves. Just when you get over it, it's like "boom".
“You are so talented and kind and handsome and have so many people that truly...”
– Really supportive words from a dear friend of mine.
After months of being so heartsick, these words are like medicine. Coming from a strong, beautiful woman like herself is doubling the dosage.
After the whole town was against you, you stood your ground, braved the mob, and in the aftermath stands...